Ten Ways Marriage is Like Writing

Today is my 25^th wedding anniversary, and I thought it would be fun to compare how a successful marriage is like a successful writing career.

• A long-lasting marriage is rooted in a commitment to, not feelings for, one another. Let’s face it: there will be times we just won’t like our spouses. But that’s when, as Christians, we go to the Lord and ask for His help to love our significant others the way He loves him or her.
• As writers, when we feel like God has asked us to write a specific story, we must come to our manuscript committed to seeing it through despite our waffling feelings. There will be times we don’t like our characters or plot, and we’ll need the Lord’s help to get through those difficult days.

• Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. We’re in it for the long haul; therefore, we need to view it in terms of longevity, not something to endure for a little while and cast aside when we’re “done.”
• In this “microwave” society, where we grow impatient when it takes ninety seconds to heat water for tea, we must approach a writing project—especially a novel—in the same way as a marriage relationship: we’re in it for the long haul, and that might mean a year or two or more of dedicated attention before we finally write “The End.”

• Most writers will have heard the advice, “kill your darlings”—those phrases or words that we believe bring so much power to our stories, but which, in reality, just muddy the waters or draw attention to ourselves rather than our characters’ lives. A good edit requires us to get rid of those beloved words, phrases, or even whole scenes in order to make a stronger, cohesive product in the end.
• Marriage, too, requires us to “kill our darlings.” We come into a marriage with good and bad baggage—years of lived experiences that have molded us into our current stage of adulthood–and so do our spouses. A good marriage will require both parties to let go of certain strongholds, quirks, ways of thinking, ways of reacting, in order to form a stronger, cohesive whole.

• In a marriage, it does no good to tell our spouse we love them and respect them if our actions reflect disdain, disrespect, and apathy. A good marriage requires action behind our loving words, the “walking” the talk, if you will.
• Likewise, good writing will show action and emotion that reflects what’s going on in the narrative more often than naming emotions or listing out a summary of events after the fact.

• Most writers understand the need and value for a good edit once they complete a project, whether it’s a short essay or a 400-page novel. Sometimes things have crept in that don’t belong, or our words need a good polish, or we didn’t realize how often we repeated a word. It helps to have trusted writer buddies to point out areas that could be strengthened.
• Marriage needs a good edit at times, too. If we want to stay on track and build a friendship that lasts long after our children have “flown the coop,” then we need to check in with each other and get rid of those thoughts, feelings, assumptions, etc., that don’t belong. I’ve always been an advocate for married couples to see a good Christian counselor on a regular basis. It helps to have a sounding board for the child-rearing years and for the frustrations that inevitably creep into a marriage.

• Many times, writing requires a “butt-in-chair” mentality. Because a number of us don’t get recompensed for all the hundreds of hours we pour into a manuscript, it’s easy for us to let other things in life take priority and to make excuses for why we couldn’t write on a given day. But that day easily becomes a week and then a month and so on. We must discipline ourselves to sit and show up to the page/laptop and simply write—even if it’s garbage. It’s when we get past the garbage that we’re able to write far longer, and better, than we expected.
• Marriage, too, requires this “butt-in-chair” mentality. A discipline to show up for the work required to make a relationship last. To do the hard stuff, to set our minds to working through problems, setbacks, conflicts, and more. If we let other things take priority, we will find a lot of time has passed and our neglected marriage becomes worse off than a neglected manuscript.

• In writing, it’s important for us to celebrate the little wins and milestones. We made it through that hard chapter! We trudged past the muddy middle! We fleshed out that nebulous scene! Celebrate with chocolate or a favorite movie or an evening of bowling or a day hunting with a buddy.
• In a marriage, we have different yet just as important milestones we should celebrate. Every anniversary. Your spouse’s new job. Your child’s/children’s birthdays and accomplishments. A successful family vacation. A house project completed (Honey-Do Lists, anyone?). Hey, you kept your child alive during their first year! 😆🙋🏼‍♀️

• Marriage is the union between two fallible people who must mash together separate desires, expectations, wants, and dreams. As we work through the ups and downs; as we and mold and fashion two lives into one, it requires an extreme level of patience, grace, and forgiveness—for each other and ourselves. Let us endeavor, as Scripture encourages, to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
• When it comes to my writing, it’s too easy for me to get down on myself; to allow my inner critic a seat at the creative table and speak harshly to my playful mind. Over the years, I’ve come to realize that, unfortunately, this is common among creatives. Let’s have grace and patience with ourselves during the creative process. We can’t create when our minds are being bludgeoned with negativity.

• When critiquing a fellow writer’s work, I usually insert somewhere in the document that s/he can take whatever of my suggestions work for their story and ignore whatever doesn’t. My voice and style are not the same as someone else’s, and what I think sounds right to my ears might sound unnatural to my crit partner. While it’s important to receive feedback—we never know what advice might heighten a scene or character—we should also remember we don’t have to take everyone’s suggestions.
• Likewise, in a marriage, take whatever advice works for you and your spouse and ignore what doesn’t. We each have different personalities, priorities, likes and dislikes, tolerance levels, etc. What I’m willing to accept and/or overlook in my spouse, someone else might find fault with; something might be a deal breaker for them, whereas it’s inconsequential for me. So, take well-meaning advice as a suggestion and go to the Lord in prayer about it. Implement what works for your marriage and ignore what isn’t helpful.

• Last, but probably the most important: have fun! Good writing requires reading others’ good works, so take time to lose yourself in someone else’s words. Take time to be bored—in peace & quiet—because boredom actually boosts creativity. Indulge in a hobby as that, too, leads to creative juices flowing.
• In a marriage, build in time to go on dates. Laugh. Play games. Indulge in each other’s favorite hobbies. Hang out with other couples. Remember what amazing qualities and personality traits your spouse has that appealed to you at the onset of your relationship. Search for and appreciate those qualities and traits anew.

What other similarities do you see between writing and marriage? Share in the comment section below!