A Lesson In Listening

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.” Proverbs 10:19

As a writer and speaker, one thing I love to do is use my words. Yep, more often than not I’m praying that God helps me hold my tongue and gives me words that are edifying to the listener, and are actually important and useful.

Recently, I’ve been “blessed” to experience again the lesson of listening. As parents, we may sometimes have a mental grip on instilling our values and morals into our kids. Knowing we only have a quick blink of an eye before they’re grown and on their own, we use every second, every teachable moment to drill into them right from wrong. But what we often forget is that they have a voice too. They may have a question or a thought about something they want to share, and part of our job is to listen to them and yes if need be, correct it, but in a loving way that shows we value them as individuals. This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn, especially when they may say something I disagree with. How does one successfully finish the delicate balancing act of listening while teaching? Here are a few things I’ve recently learned about listening to my children….again.

1. First of all, set aside time when you can both talk, where one of you won’t be running out of the house to get to an appointment or a job. If it needs to wait a day or two, as long as it’s not something time-sensitive, wait.
2. Turn your body to the speaker, and make sure your hands are empty-no phones! Show them you are really present.
3. Make eye contact. Even if they don’t, eye contact is one of the best ways to show someone you are listening.
4. Pray ahead of time for a soft heart. What do I mean? 1 Peter tells us to be “tenderhearted.” Even if you think you’re right, ask the Lord to open your heart to his/her perspective.
5. Have a facial expression that shows you care about what they are saying. Leave the eye rolls and smirks behind.
6. When they’re done, acknowledge you heard them and understand their perspective. Ask if they’re willing to hear your side if you feel you need to clarify or explain. Then ask their thoughts. A conversation is very different than talking at our children.

Finally, forgive yourself. If you, like me, have made mistakes in your parenting, (which, if you have children, you most likely have), it’s okay. The Bible is filled with men and women who have made terrible parenting mistakes, yet God used them mightily. Don’t dwell on the past. Look ahead and ask the Lord to guide you and help you. Your actions, more than any words, are what will make the largest, most lasting impression on your children. Remember, Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”