How To Help Your Anxious Child

Anxiety is an emotion everyone feels at some point in their life. It’s a part of existing in a world fallen from grace. But what happens when this emotion grows larger than its designated boundaries? What do we do when it swells to the size of a football field and crushes hope and peace’s places within our minds?

This is when extreme measures must be taken. This is no longer a common emotion but a war brewing within the mind. Adults struggle with this and many times will lose the battle. What do we do when it’s our child under attack?

As a survivor of this unpleasant war, I want to give you hope. I was a teen who felt the sudden sucker punch to the jaw of anxiety. A bold and brave child as many would consider me, I somehow fell into the death trap of worry and fear. How did I overcome it? And how can you help your child who may be on the outskirts of this battle?

Identifying this attack is the first step. This may sound obvious, but it is the most difficult step. Many who have anxiety or other mental strains are embarrassed by the condition and will do everything in their power to hide it. You may know someone well and yet have no idea the secret battles they are raging.

So, you must identify this in the person you desire to help. Have they lost interest in their hobbies? Do they feel overly tired? Sleep more than usual or find it hard to fall asleep? Eat smaller meals or no food at all? Losing weight? Losing their temper more often than normal? More emotional? Less likely to go to an event or activity outside the house?

Once you see the warning lights flashing that’s when it’s time to confront the issue. What you want to do is…. don’t freak out.

Seriously don’t freak out. Your emotions are only going to add to the stress of the sleepless nights and daily struggles. You must maintain a calm and sympathetic attitude. Not an attitude of pity mind you, this will add to the embarrassment, but an attitude of mindful understanding.

You do not necessarily have to state that you ‘know what is going on’. This will trip alarm bells in the child’s/teen’s mind that you know their dark and shameful secret. That they can’t function in day-to-day life.

Instead, take time out of your day and week to spend with them. Don’t plan exciting activities like outings if they do not feel comfortable with that. Watch a movie with them, help them with a project, or better yet sit with them. Sit with them in the quiet. Say nothing. This will be harder for you because you want to help them, you want to fix them, but you need to stay out of it. This is a battle of the mind and you can’t control the outcome, but you can give them ammunition to fight.

Encourage them to come with you to church, bible studies, or have a one-on-one study with them in the home. This will be challenging because involves them confronting the issue, but it is the best defense. God’s word is living and active and sharper than any double-edged sword, it is the weapon they need to fight assault on their wounded hearts.

Don’t pressure them if they are resistant. Leave the option open to them (if this is an ongoing issue later down the road, pressure will be needed but you do not what to start with this.) You need to let them choose. Forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do will push them deeper into themselves and away from you.

As a parent you need to do what is best for your child, so yes eventually if this battle lasts months or years, you will have to pull them out of their cocoon of misery, but for now, start slow.

They need to fight this themselves and make their own choices. If mommy or daddy always comes to the rescue they will never know how to fight alone. You are their aid, not their hero. This is hard to hear but they must learn to lean on God alone. You are a beacon of light to them and an example to follow, but you cannot be their puppet master. They will hate you for it and pull away.

This is a difficult balance to find. Sometimes you will have to roll them out of bed to breathe the fresh air outside. Give them that gentle push but you must never slap them in the face with demands. You must make them make the choice themselves. They are going to grow through this, and it will make them stronger.

Okay, when you know what we are dealing with and you know the attitude with which we must approach this, what are some real-life applications you can use to help?

Let’s start with the seemingly obvious, prayer. Yes, you knew I was going there but it is the same as identifying the problem. It’s often overlooked and used as a last resort. You must fight for them on your knees in prayer alone. Yes, you can pray with them and teach them how to pray but you also must be praying for them alone. You are standing in the gap for them in your own time.

Encourage them to pray and get them resources (books, videos, counseling) but leave the choice up to them. Don’t grab their head and force them to read, don’t control them. They need the resources available so leave them out for them to find or offer it to them, but don’t be angry when they turn it down. They may change their mind later, or that may not be what they need at this moment. By doing this you are showing them that you are there for them, but you are not diminishing their problem into something that can be easily fixed.

If they make the choices and they walk the path, they will know how to fight in the future. Because this is not a one-time thing, this is an ongoing war with the enemy. He seeks to cripple and disarm them. You must show them how to stand not just for today, but every day.

Now what happens when you need to use pressure to get them out of that dark hole? Only after you have given them months of time and plenty of opportunities to make the choice themselves, do you start applying pressure. This is not a fistfight with them, this is a gentle press against an open wound. Give them an easy ultimatum. Tell them to go out and participate in something, or do something within the home that does not involve the dark room with the curtains drawn.

Start off slow. Do not freak out.  Yes, I’m saying it again.

Don’t. Freak. Out.

Your emotion will only add to the enemy’s arsenal of firepower. Start with something small. Go on a walk with them. Take them to a small restaurant or a fast-food place and tell them you’re okay if they don’t finish their meal. Tell them you just want to hang out with them.

Don’t push them into telling you what is wrong. Let them tell you in their own time. This is like taming a wild animal. You must be calm and slowly get to know them. Yes, this is your child and not a stray cat, but you must understand that you don’t understand what they are going through. You yourself may deal with anxiety, it is in fact more than possible because it can be a learned or inherited trait, but each person has their unique struggle. You must not mitigate or lessen their battle; you must be the listening ear and/or the quiet friend stilling beside them. This is when you need to take off your parents’ hat. Yes, you are still their parent and still protecting them, but you need not control the situation. You need to let them decide.

What happens when nothing works?

Continue.

After you have given them the choice to act, and they refuse time and time again this is the moment to add more pressure. A stronger press to the wound. This is no longer a bleeding wound but an infected one. This is where you require them to do what frightens them.

No skydiving or anything cruel or ridiculous. But find out what they are afraid of, what is stressing them, what is going on in their heart. You have given them the time to come and tell you or work out this problem on their own.

Again, you are not controlling them here. You are not forcing them to go against themselves. You are being the strong push to face their fears.

Do it in stages. Don’t throw them into the middle of a pond and expect them to know how to swim. Do it in slow stages but require it of them. They can’t live their life in darkness and shame. It’s time to come out to the light. Do this in love, not anger, or else you push them away and make them suffer. Love them but push them toward the light.

This will not be an easy battle, but it is a winnable battle. Seek God, encourage them to seek Him themselves, pray, and take a stand.

The light will shine again. It may not be tomorrow or the next day but there is hope.

And hope is what drives us on.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

-1 Peter 5: 6-11