The Adventures of Delroy ‘Dustpan’ Deedlehopper

One of my favorite writing exercises when I talk to classrooms is to rewrite a little tale about Delroy “Dustpan” Deedlehopper. It helps us to—as one of my teachers used to say—put our thinking caps on.

Here’s the story:

Delroy “Dustpan” Deedlehopper was playing a game.

A cat came in. Dustpan said, “The cat is as pretty as a picture.”

The cat took Dustpan’s game. It went away.

Dustpan is going after the cat very quickly. “Come back, cat.”

We have the basic narrative. Now comes the real writing. Thinking caps in place? Let’s go.

Delroy “Dustpan” Deedlehopper was playing a game.

First, let’s determine our genre. Are we writing a funny story? Historical fiction? A scary story? Time travel? Once we know that, two things happen—we can rename our character to match the genre (for example, Dustpan’s probably not the best choice for a spy story).

Next, name the game. The kind of game Dustpan plays will tell a lot about who he is. It could give hints about his age, intelligence, or interests, where he lives, or if the story takes place today or in the dinosaur age.

Finally, get rid of “was playing.” Scratch the word “was” and words ending in “ing.” We want strong action verbs.

How about, “Delroy ‘Dustpan’ Deedlehopper bounced the baseball off the barn wall.” That’s active, not passive, and it also suggests that we’re at a farm and that Dustpan has no one to play with.

A cat came in.

How big is the cat? What color? Is it friendly? How did it arrive? Would a kangaroo be a better animal to show up for the story we have in mind?  Paint word pictures.

Perhaps, “The orange tabby lumbered around the corner.” Or, “The sleek feline crept up on Delroy with the stealth of a shadow at midnight.”

Dustpan said, “The cat is as pretty as a picture.”

Avoid clichés like the plague! Find the expression that fits who Dustpan is—how he talks, thinks, and sees life. If he’s playing basketball, maybe Dustpan says, “That kitty’s as beautiful as a three-pointer that hits nothing but net.” If he’s a farm kid, maybe Dustpan says, “You’re as sweet as a field of freshly mown hay.”

The cat took Dustpan’s game. It went away.

How did the cat snatch the game? Did the cat interrupt a game of tiddlywinks by chomping a disc and dashing into the weeds? Or maybe our story is set in Africa and an elephant wrapped its trunk around a goal post, ripped it out of the ground, and slung it through a mud hut.

Don’t be boring. We want a movie that plays in our mind with details and excitement.

Dustpan is going after the cat very quickly. “Come back, cat.”

Get rid of “very quickly.” We don’t want helper words like “very” nor adverbs, words that end in “ly.” We want strong verbs that slam us with action, such as “darted,” “dashed,” “bounded,” or “galloped.”

And my guess is that Dustpan didn’t mumble, “Come back, cat.” He probably screamed, hollered, or shrieked, “Gimme back my baseball right now you, you crazy critter!” Or maybe our story is a scary drama, and the cat is a lion, and Delroy screeched as he tore out for the safety of the ranger’s station.

Okay, it’s your turn. How would you rewrite Dustpan’s big adventure?